We have nothing but hateful, incoherent things to say about this no-budget cartoon that only vaguely resembles A Christmas Carol.
Except Scrooge has friends who are mice. This is not an exaggeration.
#36 - Christmas Carol: The Movie
Nicolas Cage lends his voice to the most low-rent cartoon this side of Worker and Parasite. Since he’s voicing Jacob Marley, hopefully we’ll get to hear some spooky ghost voice à la Cage.
#35 - Captain’ Corelli’s Mandolin
No! Nooooo!! Noooooooooooooooo!!!
We are literally throwing a tantrum right now. Seriously, we do not want to watch this movie.
We don’t care. We don’t care. We just… don’t care.
I snapped a picture of this at my law school. Here’s the thing: Nicolas Cage made hella money filming Ghost Rider 2 (which he had to turn over to the IRS because he bought castles and dinosaur skulls instead of paying his taxes) and write-on is INCREDIBLY tedious and boring.
So yeah, I think I’d rather be like Nicolas Cage.
-Marissa
Hollywood needs to stop trying to sell us on the awesomeness of getting married and having babies when they’re both portrayed as a thankless, soul-crushing chore. Nicolas Cage does a pretty good job in this one but, much like many of his other movies, the concept and script are pretty awful.
#34 - The Family Man
As Gregor Samsa Nicolas Cage awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect suburban husband and father.
Same difference, right?
“Gone in 60 seconds” accurately describes our attention spans while watching this movie. Nicolas Cage is barely conscious throughout and Angelina Jolie has the scummiest set of white girl dreads we’ve ever seen. (And we’re saying this as people who know a lot of scummy white people.)
The thing about Nicolas Cage movies is… unless you’re a total cynical dick, you have to embrace the fact that Nicolas Cage is a pretty good actor. He’s done a lot of weird, dumb movies, but that was supposed to be the point of the episode — that Nicolas Cage is a metaphor for God, or for society, or for the self, or something. It’s like — what is Nicolas Cage? What is he? Is he an idiot? Or a genius? Can you write him off, or is he inexplicably bound to your soul?
—
‘community’ almost bit off our fucking blog.
If Community did a nicolas cage episode forreal, we’d probably need to be hospitalized. Six seasons and a movie!
#33 - Gone in 60 Seconds
After 33 movies, we’ve given up on accurately predicting whether we’re going to like or hate a movie. We love car chases, but we hate Angelina Jolie. Jerry Bruckheimer is producing, but we may be in the mood to watch things explode for two hours. Nicolas Cage could be delightfully maniacal, or he could try to act like a stoic (read: wooden) everyman.
But seriously, we hate Angelina Jolie.
1
of 17
of 17
