Nicolas Cagematch

We have nothing but hateful, incoherent things to say about this...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:35:30 -0400

We have nothing but hateful, incoherent things to say about this no-budget cartoon that only vaguely resembles A Christmas Carol.

Except Scrooge has friends who are mice. This is not an exaggeration.

#36 - Christmas Carol: The Movie Nicolas Cage lends his voice to...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:54:37 -0400

#36 - Christmas Carol: The Movie

Nicolas Cage lends his voice to the most low-rent cartoon this side of Worker and Parasite. Since he’s voicing Jacob Marley, hopefully we’ll get to hear some spooky ghost voice à la Cage.

We’ve been avoiding watching this movie. We were right to...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 21:48:39 -0400

We’ve been avoiding watching this movie. We were right to do so.

#35 - Captain’ Corelli’s Mandolin No! Nooooo!!...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:08:00 -0400

#35 - Captain’ Corelli’s Mandolin

No! Nooooo!! Noooooooooooooooo!!!

We are literally throwing a tantrum right now. Seriously, we do not want to watch this movie.

We don’t care. We don’t care. We just… don’t care.

I snapped a picture of this at my law school. Here’s the thing:...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 14:16:00 -0400

I snapped a picture of this at my law school. Here’s the thing: Nicolas Cage made hella money filming Ghost Rider 2 (which he had to turn over to the IRS because he bought castles and dinosaur skulls instead of paying his taxes) and write-on is INCREDIBLY tedious and boring.

So yeah, I think I’d rather be like Nicolas Cage.

-Marissa

Hollywood needs to stop trying to sell us on the awesomeness of...

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 19:20:35 -0500

Hollywood needs to stop trying to sell us on the awesomeness of getting married and having babies when they’re both portrayed as a thankless, soul-crushing chore. Nicolas Cage does a pretty good job in this one but, much like many of his other movies, the concept and script are pretty awful.

#34 - The Family Man As Gregor Samsa Nicolas Cage awoke one...

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:40:45 -0500

#34 - The Family Man

As ~~Gregor Samsa~~ Nicolas Cage awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic ~~insect~~ suburban husband and father.

Same difference, right?

“Gone in 60 seconds” accurately describes our...

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 11:51:18 -0500

“Gone in 60 seconds” accurately describes our attention spans while watching this movie. Nicolas Cage is barely conscious throughout and Angelina Jolie has the scummiest set of white girl dreads we’ve ever seen. (And we’re saying this as people who know a lot of scummy white people.)

"The thing about Nicolas Cage movies is… unless you’re a total cynical dick, you have to embrace the..."

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 14:40:39 -0500

“The thing about Nicolas Cage movies is… unless you’re a total cynical dick, you have to embrace the fact that Nicolas Cage is a pretty good actor. He’s done a lot of weird, dumb movies, but that was supposed to be the point of the episode — that Nicolas Cage is a metaphor for God, or for society, or for the self, or something. It’s like — what is Nicolas Cage? What is he? Is he an idiot? Or a genius? Can you write him off, or is he inexplicably bound to your soul?”

- ‘community’ almost bit off our fucking blog .

If Community did a nicolas cage episode forreal, we’d probably need to be hospitalized. Six seasons and a movie!

#33 - Gone in 60 Seconds After 33 movies, we’ve given up...

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 13:24:00 -0500

#33 - Gone in 60 Seconds

After 33 movies, we’ve given up on accurately predicting whether we’re going to like or hate a movie. We love car chases, but we hate Angelina Jolie. Jerry Bruckheimer is producing, but we may be in the mood to watch things explode for two hours. Nicolas Cage could be delightfully maniacal, or he could try to act like a stoic (read: wooden) everyman.

But seriously, we hate Angelina Jolie.

Good movie + death plague = short video. We’ve finally...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:20:49 -0500

Good movie + death plague = short video. We’ve finally cracked it!

#32 - Bringing Out the Dead Nicolas Cage as a burnt-out EMT?...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 14:40:46 -0500

#32 - Bringing Out the Dead

Nicolas Cage as a burnt-out EMT? Martin Scorsese directing? This one looks ripe for some prime Cageyness.

So we actually did this one a week ago but pretty much everyone...

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 22:20:11 -0500

So we actually did this one a week ago but pretty much everyone in Pennsylvania has the flu and we’re both pretty sick. This is our punishment for Cagematching while drunk.

Also, meet Brandon! He is proof that we have friends.

Fake Criterions Cage Match

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 01:12:00 -0500

Fake Criterions Cage Match:

Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. We’ve been enjoying our winter breaks so much that we haven’t had time to watch 8MM. But we’ll get to it soon. Hopefully. The allure of sleeping until noon every day hasn’t worn off just yet.

As a distraction, check out the Cage match contest (unrelated to this blog) over at Fake Criterions. There are photoshopped Criterion DVD covers for Nicolas Cage movies, most of which are insanely good. For those who aren’t film nerds, Criterion puts out restored DVDs of classic movies from world cinema. Literally the only reason to shell out $8 per month for Hulu Plus is for their collection of Criterion movies. (And also Community.) Apparently they’ve released a version of The Rock but not any other Cage movie, which is just baffling.

Anyway, we’ll be back soon with a review of 8MM, possibly while drunk because we’ve acquired a lot of wine thanks to the holidays.

motherjones: A petition on the White House website asking...

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 17:24:50 -0500

motherjones:

A petition on the White House website asking President Barack Obama to make Michael Bay’s The Rock the official movie of America.

#31 - 8MM This movie and Snake Eyes hold a special place in our...

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 12:32:57 -0500

#31 - 8MM

This movie and Snake Eyes hold a special place in our cold, dead hearts. At the beginning of this year, we watched both movies back to back and thought, “Hm, this wasn’t so bad. We should watch all of Nicolas Cage’s movies and document them in blog form.” And then we saw It Could Happen to You towards the beginning of the Cagematch and regretted that decision a whole lot.

It’s a good thing that a Joel Schumacher-helmed movie about a snuff film was made during the Golden Age of Cage, because otherwise it would probably be a wildly offensive and exploitative mess like Time to Kill or be two hours of Nicolas Cage shouting in people’s faces à la The Wicker Man. Considering the subject matter, it’s surprisingly tasteful.

This is our 31st movie, which means we’ve completed more...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 21:44:00 -0500

This is our 31st movie, which means we’ve completed more than half of the Cagematch. (Although at the rate Nicolas Cage is pumping out movies, we’ll update this blog until we’re dead.) We have some real turds to sit through in the second half, so it’s only going to get weirder and complainier from here on out.

#30 - Snake Eyes Nicolas Cage has to solve crimes with the help...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 17:43:42 -0500

#30 - Snake Eyes

Nicolas Cage has to solve crimes with the help of his superpower, snake vision. Just kidding, he has to solve an assassination at a boxing match. But wouldn’t it be cool if Nicolas Cage starred in a movie where he had the eyes of a snake?

Sylvester Stallone, biggest buzzkill in the world, says Nicolas Cage is not confirmed for Expendables 3

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 18:56:41 -0500

Sylvester Stallone says he “has no knowledge of Nic Cage joining Expendables 3,” the actor told Deadline today, and that reports of negotiations for the Oscar winner to join the latest film in the action franchise are false. Several news outlets reported yesterday that Stallone had confirmed Cage for the next Expendables movie, citing either a Stallone fan Facebook page purporting to be the actor’s own or comments by Stallone that appeared in Spanish daily El Pais earlier this year. In the El Pais article, Cage’s name — as well as that of Mickey Rourke, who was in the first Expendables, Harrison Ford and Wesley Snipes — were noted as additions to a third Expendables. Those statements were made during European junkets this summer for Expendables 2, when Stallone was asked at a press conference who he would like to see in a possible second sequel. Although the Cage rumors are untrue, what is a fact is that Expendables 3 is in the offering.

NCM’s dream casting of Expendables 3 involves Nicolas Cage playing every role or, failing that, Nicolas Cage and John Travolta switching faces.

Do the right thing, Stallone.

This movie has everything we don’t like: Nicolas Cage as a...

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 23:10:00 -0400

This movie has everything we don’t like: Nicolas Cage as a simpering romantic lead, a bunch of nonsensically vague spiritual garbage, Meg Ryan, that awful Goo Goo Dolls song, and Dennis Franz’s ass.

Bonus: at the end of the video we have some choice words (and hand gestures) for a creepy YouTube commenter.